Gravel crunched beneath her tires as Elizabeth cautiously navigated the winding road, the clear mountain serenity that stretched out around her in every
direction doing little to muffle the nagging uncertainty that steadily increased with every mile she put between herself and the comforting chaos of Manhattan.
Reflections of deep green pines and endless Indian summer skies shimmered across the lake as she drove by, a small family of deer pausing to look up from the
painted waters long enough to watch her pass with vaguely distrustful expressions before dismissing her as harmless and continuing their drink.
Turning onto the steep dirt driveway that led to the cabin, she felt the knots in her stomach tighten as the humble fishing cabin with it's wide front
porch and dusty multi-pane windows came into view, the hammering of her heart overly loud in the stillness that seemed to descend over the clearing once she
turned off the car's engine.
The day was warm - just teetering on the edge of comfort - and she spared a wistful glance at the gently flowing waters below before settling on the cool shade
of the porch. Time had left it's mark on the cabin, leaving it's hand cut shingles weathered and grey, but a whitewashed swing swayed welcomingly in
the slight breeze, inviting her to sit and rest while she waited for an answer to the question she could never seem to find the right words to ask.
It felt good to be back, good enough that she couldn't help feeling a stab of guilt as she stepped past the faded mat laying askew beside the heavy front
door and settled into the swing, it's rusted chain creaking in protest at the unfamiliar weight. Being here felt like running away.. and far too much like
coming home.
**********
"And what about you?", she asked him, her head nestled against his shoulder as they lay on their backs beside the lake. "What do you
see?"
"Clouds."
Sighing with mock exasperation, she playfully slapped at his stomach. "Look harder."
"Elizabeth, you know I can't see things like-"
"Sure you can.", she interrupted cheerfully, unfazed by the resignation in his voice. Snuggling closer against his side, she pointed up at the soft
blue sky, her artistic eye finding magic in the mundane. "Right there... that's a sailboat. Can you see the shape of a hull breaking through the mist?
That tall wisp beside it billowing out to make the sail?"
Squinting, he tried to make sense of the billowing shapes floating above them, his mind struggling to create a tangible connection between a boat and the gauzy
puffs she was pointing out to him... though there was something about the overall form that was vaguely familiar....
"You could go anywhere you wanted to on a boat like that," she told him, her voice becoming soft as her imagination led her away. "Even
Italy.."
His arm tightened around her and she smiled up at him sadly, neither of them having the heart to ruin the moment with an apology. It simply was what it was..
and dreams of Italy had long ago become nothing more than another bittersweet remnant of what could have been.
The old ache returned, creeping regrets that pulled at the scars on her heart, and she gratefully surrendered to the familiar rush of desire when Jason's
lips found hers, her arms winding around his neck as he urgently pulled her under him and drowned out the past and the future.. leaving only the moment. Their
moment.
Cool grass tickling heated skin as clothing disappeared in a frenzy of greedy mouths and worshipful fingertips, the warmth of his body over hers, the smooth
expanse of his back beneath her hands as she clung to him. Matching his rhythm and losing herself in the temporary shelter of his arms while the ship in the
sky simply sailed away...
*********************
The gold band on her finger caught her attention as she absentmindedly chipped away the paint peeling away from the arm of the swing and she swallowed hard,
hastily slipping it off and tucking it safely into her purse.
She shouldn't be here.
Every year she promised herself it would be the last time. That she didn't need him anymore and would be stronger next year... that she wouldn't keep
risking everything she'd built in the last ten years for a long weekend with a man she knew damned well was too dangerous to love.
... and every year she proved herself to be a liar.
The third weekend in September would find her driving along the long, lonely road to the cabin... needing Jason to be there almost as much as she needed him to
finally be the one strong enough to end this madness and stay away. Matt would disappear down to Mexico for a weekend of deep sea fishing with his brother and
father, and the boys would still be at camp... and suddenly she would find herself here...
She told Matt she came out here to work on her art and find herself... and in a way it was true. She was always careful to spend a few hours sketching the
various wildlife and scenery to show him when he came home, and she did come here to find herself... or at least to remind herself of who she'd once been.
*********************************************
"And this is him and Cameron at Disneyland last March. He loved it... but that 'It's A Small World' ride ended up giving him
nightmares. Not that I can blame him since it gave me nightmares, too. I had that song stuck in my head for weeks afterwards."
She handed him the picture and leaned back against the antique bed's brass headboard, nervously chewing on her bottom lip as he stared down at the smiling
photo of his son.
"He's beautiful.", Jason said, blinking away the sudden moisture stinging his eyes as he laid the picture on top of the small stack she'd
already given him.
"Just like his father."
He risked meeting her eyes then and the tenderness he found there almost undid him. "He looks happy."
"He is." she assured him gently, answering the question in his eyes. It was the truth. Jake was a healthy, happy child who made friends easily and
hoped to one day follow in the footsteps of his stepfather. Ironic that they would eventually take him down the same path his real father had been following
before a car accident turned him away from his aspirations to be a doctor and toward a life of crime instead.....
Her hand found his and Jason let her strength comfort him as they gazed down at the the remaining images of their son that still lay scattered across the worn
patchwork quilt. "That means we made the right decision, doesn't it?"
She didn't answer him this time.. couldn't answer... and in the end maybe her silence was answer enough.
***********************************************
A squirrel darted across the clearing and scampered up a nearby tree to watch her from a safe distance. Needing a distraction, Elizabeth pulled her sketch pad
out of her bag and concentrated on capturing the animal's covert show of cautious curiosity.
She tried not to wonder when or even if Jason was coming while she drew an outline with quick skilled strokes of charcoal, but still found her gaze repeatedly
drifting down the driveway toward the twisting mountain road. She'd always known the day would come when one of them would finally find the willpower to
end this dangerous addiction... after all, aside from three stolen days a year they had practically become strangers...
Oh, she didn't doubt that he checked on her and the boys from time to time though he never mentioned it.... and she would occasionally read about his
latest troubles with the law and linger over the mandatory pictures of him wearing an expensive suit that she knew he must hate as he strode into the
courthouse with his latest fling trailing close behind.... but that was as close as they dared to get .
To the world they were simply two old friends who had drifted apart a lifetime ago and their children were safer for it. She believed that... had to believe it
or the tragic unfairness of it all would be more than she could take.
********************************
"Sure you have everything?", Jason asked from the doorway as she finished zipping her small weekender bag and Elizabeth had to smile at his
hovering. He was always like this when their time was up.. following her from room to room as she gathered her things, trying to delay the inevitable by
convincing her to check and recheck her bag for items she could easily replace.
"It's all here." Slipping the bag over her shoulder she walked up to him and pushed back an errant strand of blond hair that had fallen over his
forehead. "I'm already starting to miss you."
"I don't think I ever stop missing you."
From anyone else it would have been silly sentiment, but when he said it the words rang true with sincerity. He wasn't trying to impress her with
meaningless romanticism.. for him it was a simple statement of truth.
Tears clouded her vision but she stubbornly dashed them away with the back of her hand. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
He nodded. "You do the same."
It was as close to a promise as either could give.
*****************************
The roar of a motorcycle echoed in the distance and Elizabeth looked up from her sketchpad, her heart fluttering in anticipation as she waited for Jason to
round the last turn and come into view.
One more long weekend, that's all she needed.... one more chance to say goodbye...
She'd be stronger next year...
