To Feel the Pain
Rated PG-13
Archive Please
A/N-I am not sure where this is going, but my muse keeps bugging me so I am going to try to do it justice. I am a hopeless romantic, always believing that love will conquer all, but what is Liason without angst. This story goes along with the current storyline. However, I will change things to suit my need. I know we are reeling from this Jake storyline, this is just my outlet. Please leave comments I live for them, good or bad. Read and enjoy! Thanks, Robyn
Steven put the car in park and looked over at this little sister. “You know, Peanut, I can stay tonight. I mean I have a duffle bag in the trunk that I keep in case of a long night at the hospital. I could..”
“I love you too, Peanut.”
She stood on her front porch and watched Steven’s car back out onto the street. The same street that her baby had died on. She shook her head and took a deep breath.
“I can do this, I have to do this.” She told herself. She turned and unlocked her house, took another deep breath and opened the door.
Everything looked the same, but nothing felt the same. Nothing would ever feel the same again. Her precious baby, her miracle was gone and no amount of wishing or praying was ever going to bring him back.
She didn’t turn the light on, she didn’t need to. She knew where everything was. It was her home, her children’s home. She walked through the living room and dining room, straight into the kitchen. She knew she shouldn’t but for just one night she needed to feel nothing or maybe it was that she needed to feel something.
It seemed like she had had different stages of numbness all of her life. The first time she felt numb was when she crawled out of the bushes on Valentine’s Day so long ago, oh part of her recovered, but she was never whole again. Then the fire, she still remembered the smell of smoke in the air as she watched that garage burn with Lucky inside. She had received miracle that time. Lucky had came back, but so had that damn permanent lock. And truth be told he was never the same. However she was pretty sure that lock had been crushed this past summer when she had her affair with Nicholas.
The first time Jake had been kidnapped, it was feeling she had never wanted to relive. It was a mother’s worst nightmare, but she had. Twice her baby boy had been taken from her. Twice she had received a miracle, he had been returned to her awaiting arms by his father. She had felt at the time that it was wise for Jason and her to have no contact; she had been running on pure adrenaline, fear of her baby being hurt by the evils of the mob world, even though she had been ready to make a life with Jason and the boys.
She took another swig from the tequila bottle she had retrieved from the far back of the kitchen cabinet. “Hindsight is a bitch.”
Jason, there was another stage of numbness. Watching him walk away at the courthouse, he had taken part of her with him, her heart. She wasn’t sure that she had recovered from that, in fact she knew she hadn’t but he had.
She sat down at the kitchen bar, there was three stools at the bar and one baby high chair. She sat on the middle one, the one Jakey always sat on. He said they way he could be between his two favorite people, Mommy and Cammy. She wiped the tears away with the back of her hands.
She had replayed those last few moments in her mind over and over again. Opening the mail, thinking about supper, yelling up at
Her tears were pouring down her pale cheeks now. She was thankful for the burn that she felt when she took another shot of the liquor, it meant she was alive. She didn’t know how she would ever survive this but she knew she would. Life was too cruel to end the pain so soon.
She heard the Matthews kid’s motorcycle go up the street. She gave a sad smile. How many times had Kyle stopped by and shown
“DAMN IT ALL!” she yelled as she threw her shot glass across the kitchen, it crashing into the refrigerator. Life wasn’t fair! Jake would never know what it was like, being a teen, adult or even a father.
She heard the motorcycle go by again. She hoped he didn’t stop she could handle seeing anyone right now. She just wanted to drown in the tequila, accepting the pain that it brought. She remembered a time when she prayed to hear a motorcycle coming down the street. It had meant one thing, Jason was coming.
Jason. She had been so thankful when she had turned and saw him standing there in the hospital hall. For just a moment she had thought he had come to support her, comfort her, to grieve with her for their son they had lost. Then he opened his mouth and started talking and rage had filled her. Rage like she had never known before. He was there for his precious Carly and his darling goddaughter, not Jake. In that moment, she had never hated someone as much as did him. But it had only hurt that much more because she loved him so, even if he was not hers to love.
Shaking her head as though to clear her thoughts, she stumbled off the bar stool, grabbing the edge of the counter to balance herself. She need to sleep, tomorrow she would have to make arrangements for her little boy.
She headed towards the stairway, tripping over a dump truck along the way. “Damn it,I told them to pick up the toys.” Realizing what she had said hit her like a ton of bricks. She crumbled to the floor, grasping his little coat that had been carelessly tossed to the side and inhaling his scent. “My baby, oh my baby, Jakey, Jakey!!” Her voice seemed to be ripped from her breaking heart.
She never heard the knock on the door, she never heard the keys turn in the lock, she only felt the strong arms that enveloped her, cradling her as she sobbed “He’s gone, my baby, is gone..”
a/n-I am not sure if I like this, or even if it is worth continuing but I needed an outlet for all the emotion.


