To Feel the Pain
Rated PG-13
ARchive Please
A/N- Thank you for the comments!! I wasn’t sure if it would read the way it felt to me. I cried as I wrote it, stopping where I did because I am easily sucked into stories, feeling way too much emotion for fictional characters. This story is again my outlet. I know everyone has different opinions about Liason, and who did who wrong. I think they both royally screwed up. I am a wife and mother. My hubby is my best friend, my safe haven, my protector. That being said when I don’t want to face my feelings about things I will pick fights. I suppose it is a defense mechanism, whatever it is it sucks for my hubby. Although after being with me for 15 years, he just lets me rage and then is there to catch me when I crash.
I am telling you this so you will understand where Elizabeth comes from. I wrote her from my viewpoint. Some of you may think that things she says is not logical, just like some didn’t like what she said on the show about “using Jake as spare parts” or “cutting her baby open”, I could understand it, as a mother. You don’t think logic when you lose a child, you are not rational. You say and do things that you would not normally do.
Sorry for the long A/N, I tend to ramble. So with that said, Read and Enjoy. Don’t forget to leave feedback. Thanks, Robyn
She felt the sun warming her skin, the sand between her toes, strong arms wrapped around her and happiness in her heart. Life could not be better.
Cam, Jake, and Aiden were playing in the surf a few yards away. They were so happy, all three of her boys were happy. The had a stable home, a mom and dad that loved them more than life itself. They would never know the pain of being left behind, the pain of not be good enough to deserve the love of their parents, they would have it everyday for the rest of their life. Jake chased Cam with a crab, “Come on Cammy, it’s not gonna bite” laughing all the while, Aiden was running to catch up with them.
“See Daddy, I told you they all loved the water. They are just like you. However they do I don’t think it has the same calming effect on them as it does on you.” She smile as she felt the arms squeeze a little tighter.
“Moving to Italy was the best decision we ever made. Thank you for that. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me, for Jake, Cam and Aiden. I love you Jason.”
It was the dream she had every night but somehow more real. She could feel the warmth of Jason’s chest on her back and his arms wrapped around her. Never before had it been so real. She was in that special place that was between the dream world and reality. Her body refused to release the hold on the dream and come into the world of reality, although she wasn’t sure why. She knew she had to get up and get Cam, Jake and Aiden ready but just for a few more mintues...
Jason held her in her bed and watched her smile. He wasn’t sure what she was dreaming but he was glad she was happy because he knew when she awoke her life would shattered all over again.
Flashback
He knew he should have stayed away tonight, especially after her slap at the hospital today but he had to see her, make sure she was okay. He had driven up and down the street a few times, checking to see if there were lights on or if he could see any movement in the house. It had been dark.
He had given into his need and knocked on the door when he heard her. She was screaming for Jake, it had ripped his heart out. He had quickly unlocked the door and found her.
She had been on the floor curled into a ball, clutching Jake’s coat and surrounded by his toys. He hadn’t thought, he has wrapped his arms around her and held her. He had smelled the alcohol on her breath as she has screamed heart wrench cries for their son, her son.
When she stopped, he had loosened his grip on her and shed his coat, tossing it carelessly on the steps.
“Elizabeth, let me take you upstairs. You need to rest.. you need…”
She pulled away, “What I need is Jake! I need to hold him in my arms! I need to smell that little boy smell, when I would hug him! That is what I need!” She stood leaning against the wall.
“I shouldn’t come, I just wanted to know that you were safe. I’m sorry”
“YOU’RE SORRY!!! YOU’RE SORRY!!!” She screamed at him, pushing herself away from the wall.
“What are you sorry for Jason? Did you hit him with your motorcycle? No, that’s not it. Are you sorry you gave him up? Yeah, I’m sure you are. How about you’re sorry for walking away from your family? Do you realize that if you had left with me after Michael was shot, like I begged you to do, MY Jakey would be alive? Hell he would have never been kidnapped by the Russians either. How about you’re sorry that you didn’t put guards on your son? Cause you know if you had he would have been alive today!! OR Maybe you’re sorry that you took back the whore that has been a threat to him since the before he was born! NO, you couldn’t be sorry about that because you LOVE SAM. You love her so much that you are going to make a family with her! HER CHILDREN ARE WORTH PROTECTING!”
She was merely inches away from him, yelling at him. Daring him to respond.
“Elizabeth that is enough! Do you not think I regret every decision I have made in the last 4 years of my life? I walked away bec…”
“DON’T YOU DARE SAY DANGER! You walked away because I was not enough, MY KIDS WERE NOT ENOUGH!”
“Stop Elizabeth.” Jason said in a voice that had brought strong men to their knees. He was staring at her with the ice cold glare that he reserved for those he was about to kill.
“STOP? Oh, I don’t think so! I have nothing left to loose Jason. I am going to come clean with everybody, starting with your precious Sam. Wouldn’t she like to know where you spent some of you time last summer? DO you think that she will forgive you like you forgave her for endangering OUR SON?”
“ELIZABETH STOP!” She crossed her arms and glared at him hatred.
“You’ve had your say. NOW is my turn. Do you ever think that Jake might be alive if you hadn’t asked me to give him up? Do you think I won’t have protected him with guards? But no, you DENIED ME MY SON and YOU LET YOUR PRECIOUS LUCKY RAISE HIM! The same man that wouldn’t get clean for you or Cam but when he thought he had a biological son, he was in rehab so quite it left everyone’s head spinning? Wasn’t it Lucky’s day yesterday? Where was he? He abandoned his sons AGAIN, so he could marry his latest piece of ass!” It was okay for him to go to Sam and but it wasn’t for me! Hell you let them take them camping! But there goes the double standard again. LUCKY DOES NO WRONG, DOES HE ELIZABETH? Jason had never spoke to Elizabeth like this before. Whatever she thought was best was what he did, no questions asked. NO more. He wasn’t even aware of the tears that were streaming down his face.
“YOU CHOSE LUCKY! YOU CHOSE LUCKY OVER YOUR KIDS, ELIZABETH!! You fucking permanent lock with him was more important that your kids. He had drugs and a loaded gun in your house with Cam and still it was about LUCKY! He cheated on you, verbally abused you in front of Cam and Ja..ake and you stayed, like a damn lap dog. Doing whatever you could to make him happy!” He had her back against the wall. Both were shaking with rage and guilt.
“What about this summer Elizabeth? Where was your precious Lucky? I will tell you where he was at. He was pretending to be a dangerous hitman!! Tell me Elizabeth, how safe is that? Did he have guards on the boys? Did he have guards on you? NO! He couldn’t stand to look at you because you had screwed his brother. SO TELL ME AGAIN HOW THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!” She couldn’t stand to see the rage and hatred in his beautiful blue eyes so she looked away.
The room was quiet for a few moments; both seemed to be gathering their thoughts. She looked him in the eye. “Jason, I..I know that I messed up. Think Lucky could or would be the safe choice. I..I never realized that you felt that way about me choosing him. I just knew I wasn’t enough for you. I know I don’t have the right but I have to know why Sam? Why does she get the life with you that I wanted? Why does she get your love and devotion and I don’t? Is…is something wrong with me?” He face softened as he looked down and saw the tears streaming down her face again.
He turned around and rubbed his hand over his face and put his hands on his hips. “I never meant…I never meant for it to happen. It just happened. She was there, hardly ever fully dressed, rubbing on me. I was lonely Elizabeth. I wanted to just feel something other then the nothingness I lived in after I walked away that day at the courthouse. And no I haven’t forgiven what she did, no more than I have forgotten. I just..don’t think about it.”
“Do you love her?” He could hear the rawness in her voice. She had sat down on the steps, no longer trusting her body to hold her up.
He turned around and saw that she had sat down. So he did the same. He turned his head and looked her in the eye. “Honestly? No. I just go through the motions, doing what everyone thinks is the right thing. It’s easier than fighting with her or her annoying sisters. If I just go with the flow then I don’t have to deal..”
“You don’t have to deal with your real feelings?”
“yeah.”
“You know we have really screwed up our lives?”
Nodding his head. “Yeah, yeah we have. And..”
“Jake paid for it.”
He reached over and took her hand. “No Elizabeth, it was an accident. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”
“Thank you Jason, I needed to hear that. I know it’s wrong but..” She was searching is eyes for the love that they had once felt for her. He slid his hand around the back of her neck pulling her towards him. He whispered to her “I need you too.”
End of Flashback
She awoke to someone rubbing their thumb up and down her arm. Her head was killing her, she wasn’t sure why. Then it hit her suddenly. She sat straight up in bed, looking accusingly at Jason.
“You need to leave.”
“Eliza..”
“Please Jason I just …just need time alone.” She looked down shamefully at the sheet that was pulled up to her chest.
He got out of bed and pulled his clothes on. He walked to the door and looked back. “I still love you.”
“I know, that’s what makes this so hard.” She said never looking him in the eye.
She rolled over and laid back down and allowed herself to cry for the dream family she lost.
Downstairs Jason stopped at the bottom of the stairs looking at the living room in the harsh morning light. Toys were everywhere, dump trucks, cars, dinosaurs, and motorcyles. He looked back upstairs, he did love her but he screwed up his life so bad, how was he ever going to be able to make it right?
He picked up is leather coat from the steps and locked to door as he walked out.
He never realized that he had picked up something extra from the floor.


